GASTRONORMOUS

A few years ago, my friend Em, who grew up in Texas, introduced me to pickled okra. Specifically, Talk O’ Texas brand pickled okra (the company produces two products: okra pickles and liquid smoke. That is their entire product line, which is pretty gutsy and awesome). Ever since, pickled okra has been for me a special sort of object of obsession that only things which are very difficult to obtain are (like, say, white truffles or authentic Birkin bags). You see, up here in Yankee territory, okra in just about any form isn’t much appreciated, and pickled okra is especially hard to come by. Whenever I happen across a jar in a store, which is rarely, I am compelled to buy it.

About a year ago, I read about a cool local company called Rick’s Picks that specializes in all things pickled (traditional cucumber pickles, green beans, beets, etc.), including a concoction called smokra, a spicy pickled okra with smoked paprika (hence the smah in smokra). I was intrigued. I went to stores that carried the line, even the huge Red Hook Fairway, and while they had some Rick’s Picks products, none had the smokra. I went everywhere in New York–and the city seemed determined to deny me.

I finally gave up on the all-consuming search and went on to concentrate on other things like, I dunno, planning my wedding. Then, a few weeks ago, the quest for smokra all but forgotten, I went into the little corner store in my new neighborhood, and there exactly at my eye level in the refrigerator case: smokra. The price was steep, at $10.95 (really? for a dozen okra in brine?), but, really, I had no choice but to buy. As they say, where there is smokra, there is a fire in my belly (that is what they say, right?).

When I got home, I agitated the jar and, with the delight of a child shaking a snowglobe, watched the deep red paprika disperse throughout the brine. I cracked it open and tried a spear. Hm. It sure was different. I wasn’t sure I liked the very smokey smokiness of the paprika in the brine. It seemed to overpower the other ingredients with its distinct musky flavor. The clear, bright voice of the whole red pepper in the Talk O’ Texas version allows the okra pickles to sing more than the raspy, thick voice of the smoked paprika in Rick’s Picks version. Also, Talk O’ Towns’ okra is crisper, which is a plus.

I must add that as I have worked my way through the jar over the past weeks, the smokra has grown on me a bit, but still, I think the next time I see Talk O’ Texas okra pickles, I will buy with renewed appreciation and vigor.

A gmail ad first alerted me to the miraculous Tater Mitt. With such an intriguing name, how could I not check out the product website? The video on the website is hysterically funny, in the mode of many “as seen on tv”-type products. My discovery happened to be before last Christmas, and I joked a few times to my husband that I wanted them for Christmas. Well, wouldn’t you know that I have the type of husband that would actually by them.

I laughed at the joke gift, but I was secretly pleased, having been seduced by the website and video, which claim that it takes exactly 8 seconds to peel a potato using their mitts. And it couldn’t be simpler, just run the potato under water while you rub it with your mitted hands. No more hassle, no more nicks from knives or peelers! Easy, and in just 8 seconds!

The Mitts are a sight to behold in person. They are enormous, first of all. Lou Ferrigno must have provided the hand upon which they based their sizing. Basically, the Tater Mitts are huge dishwashing gloves with something resembling aquarium rocks attached to the palms and fingers. Which is fine if they work. But they don’t. Well, not exactly.

I didn’t read the instructions because, ahem, the video made it look so simple! So on Christmas day I went to work on a potato. Nothing happened. The surface of the potato was slightly abraded, but none of the skin came off. That is when I discovered something in the instruction manual that is mentioned only in the fine print on the website: the potatoes must be boiled first in order for the Tater Mitt to be effective (I swear I don’t remember seeing this disclaimer on the website until my most recent visit)! Ah, silly me.

I imagine the Mitts do work if you boil the potatoes first, but I also imagine scraping your thumbnail over a boiled potato also so a pretty good job of getting rid of the skin. And, by the way, the skin of the potato in the video looks bone-dry–they must have boiled it and let it dry out before taking the mitts to it. Pretty misleading if you ask me!

So, I still have my Tater Mitts, but they are stuck in a basket under the kitchen sink. Maybe the next time I cook potatoes, I’ll use the mitts to scrub the dishes after I’m done.

I admit that I am a sucker for good design. When I saw this chopping board, I thought it would revolutionize my life, or at least my kitchen prep. The idea is that you cut your veggies (or whatever) on the board, then when you grip the handle, the sides of the board fold up to form a chute, making the transfer of said veggies from chopping board to frying pan a breeze. Ingenious, right? Plus, it is so cute, and comes in a great shade of green. And the kicker: it is dishwasher safe. There was no way I wasn’t buying this. So I did.

I have since realized that even more important than good design is good engineering. And this chopping board definitely lacks the latter. After a few uses and washings, the handle stopped staying in the upright position seen in the photo, and when the handle falls from the upright position, it acts to lift the entire board of the surface off of your counter, so you have to hold down the board to keep it flat—not so handy when both hands are already busy wielding a knife and holding a zucchini in place. [$16--$22]

I am what I like to call a fishitarian, and have been that way for 10 years: I don’t eat red meat, pork, or poultry, but I’ll gladly stuff my face with (nearly) anything hauled out of the water. I settled on this dietary lifestyle after watching my family’s long, convoluted metamorphosis through various forms of vegetarianism.

When I was about 10, my dad decided he wasn’t going to eat red meat anymore; by the time I was in high school, this personal decision of his had evolved into the near-complete vegetarianism of the entire family. Except me. A moody adolescent, I wasn’t buying what they were selling. I worked at McDonald’s at the time, and would luxuriate in lavish displays of lip-smacking over Quarter Pounders brought home from work while my parents and brother would sneer in disgust. I remember their 5-year experiment with a vegan lifestyle after I moved away from home (ah, that disappointing first Thanksgiving!) as a blurry, horrifying time in which my parents lost their sense of humor and spent hours reading package labels in the grocery store. My younger brother, who had morphed from a passive participant to a raging militant, was one of those vegetarians (we all know at least one) who hated vegetables. He subsisted almost entirely on a diet of bean burritos (hold the cheese, please!) from Taco Bell.

Having this kind of history, it was a bit surprising to find this gift from my parents on our doorstep a few days before Christmas:

It’s a Coleman Road Trip Grill LXE [$149.99]. Quasi-vegetarians and carnivores alike will find this cute contraption nothing less than a pleasure to incorporate into their cooking arsenal. It’s tiny (just 36 inches and 50 pounds), easy to fold and pull with a handle, and its gas heat packs a surprising wallop. The legs even come off so you can use it on a tabletop. Our car has a picnic table built into the trunk (I admit it swayed me to buy the car, what can I say? A BUILT-IN PICNIC TABLE, people!), so it’s only natural that we should need other similarly collapsible outdoorsy stuff. Dare I say our next purchase should be a tent-thingy?

Weirdly enough, I’m now the only person in my family who closely approximates a vegetarian; my parents and brother shocked me this year by admitting that they eat poultry again. I wouldn’t be surprised if soon they are drying their own raccoon jerky and attending Ted Nugent concerts. For former vegans, surely this is a small conceptual leap.

Before we get started, can we just stop for a moment to notice the heart-shaped Canadian bacon on the grill in the photo? Mothers who cut their pork products into heart shapes know how to say they care…

Okay, now to this great cast iron griddle/grill. My sister gave it to me as a year ago (thanks, sis!), and she thoughtfully bought the pre-seasoned version (you can also buy a “raw” grill and season it yourself). I must admit the first time I used it, I burnt seventy-five percent of the pancake batch I was making because I couldn’t control the heat the way I wanted to. You see, never having used used cast iron, I wasn’t prepared for the crazy hot heat it generates and retains.

After I mastered the art of properly heating cast iron, though, I learned to love it and now wouldn’t trade it for anything. I use it for pancakes, French toast, grilled vegetables, grilled cheese, quesadillas, grilled haloumi (this is a Cypriot cheese that isn’t great raw, but is amazing grilled–seriously, you must find it and try it), and much, much more! It is a breeze to clean (no soap, just sort of scrape it down, rinse it off, heat it back up and coat it with oil), and I have learned to use its amazing heat retention to great benefit.  The heat is much more even and more intense than its aluminum counterparts. The one and only drawback is that it weighs more than the Libery Bell, but it is one hundred percent pure cast iron, waddya want?

I love this Screwpull corkscrew. It takes practically all the effort out of de-corking a wine bottle and releases the cork like a dream (I once had to use pliers to twist a stubborn cork off of an old-style corkscrew like this one!)

The best news for people with teeny kitchens (like me!), is that it doesn’t take up as much room as the Rabbit and other super-efficient corkscrews.

As is the case with many corkscrews, the Screwpull works better with real cork than with the plastic ones, but still works better on them than our old chrome one. Sadly, the screw part of our Screwpull broke clean off a week ago, after three years of use. Call me a sucker, but I am planning to buy another one!

My cousin bought me this set of colorful cutting mats for Christmas (thanks, Bec!), and I just love them. I have gone through a number of these types of mats over the years, and these are sturdiest and best designed ones I have ever used. They have a grid pattern of grippiness on the back so that the mat doesn’t slide around the counter, and I like the large size, square shape, and cheery colors. Best of all–unlike their as-seen-on-tv brethren–they are dishwasher safe! [$12 for a set of four]